My life doesn’t look anything like I thought it would when I was 8. It doesn’t look anything like I thought it would when I was 18 or 28 either. Heck it doesn’t look anything like I thought it would a year ago. I’m now 38, and though my life has never really followed the… Continue reading Chapter 38
Tag: organ donation
Dear Santa,
Winter time has come in strong, It’s rained, it’s blown, it’s snowed week-long. But it's Christmas! Time for lights and cheer, Dear Santa, here's my wish this year.Christmas should be full of fun, of gifts and food and time with everyone. So many things to look forward to, And yet, this season is hard to… Continue reading Dear Santa,
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Cake Day
Sometimes I find it very difficult to be a heart transplant recipient. This was especially true when I was a kid. I didn’t want to acknowledge it happened. I didn’t want to acknowledge it at all. I just wanted to go back to being me, a normal kid. That never really worked out but I… Continue reading Cake Day
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The Pressure To Do Great Things
I remember when the Tim McGraw song “live like you were dying came out”. I was 16 years old and around three years post transplant. In the song, someone is telling a story of when they were given devastating medical news in their 40s. In this conversation in the song, the friend then asks “what… Continue reading The Pressure To Do Great Things
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What Happens When you Forget How to Live?
A few years ago, I wrote a blog post entitled “It’s About Being Alive”. I think I was probably right about that. It’s just that somewhere along the way I forgot what that actually means. Sure, life is about living, but how do you actually live? I wrote that post back in 2019. Well, a… Continue reading What Happens When you Forget How to Live?
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So…I Had a Heart Transplant
Would you ever know if I didn’t say it out loud? On October 16, 2001, I had a heart transplant. Ten days later I got to go home after 145 days in the hospital. I remember being on the couch right after I got home. It was fall. I remember it being gloomy. And there… Continue reading So…I Had a Heart Transplant
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Take me out at the ballgame?
All of a sudden people were all around me. I don’t quite remember the sounds, but they were there. The things I do remember hearing were things I had heard before that brought me right back to first waking up in the hospital when I was 13. “Is she ok?” “Does she know where she is?” “Get her up” “No! Don’t get her up!” All of it was coming at me all at once.
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Suffering Isn’t Cute
People who are suffering are not appealing. It is hard to be around them. It seems they take up more space than they should. We stay away as if they are contagious. Suffering isn’t instagramable. It isn’t inspiring and it certainly doesn’t seem helpful to most of us. And yet it’s at the root of… Continue reading Suffering Isn’t Cute
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Why Not?
I was watching a show the other day and the young girl on the show started talking about her dreams. She wanted to have lots of kids and had a whole vision for her life. My reaction was not very positive. While listening to her I even caught myself saying “good luck”. I was a… Continue reading Why Not?
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Young at Heart
There are a lot of scary things about being a transplant recipient. Not only was I suddenly bombarded with endless medical procedures that I would have to endure for the rest of my life but I also started hearing all kinds of scary information about what it means to be a transplant recipient. Some of… Continue reading Young at Heart
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17 Again
I know this seems ridiculous but for a long time I’ve felt like my life peaked when I was 17. I was in college, had a bunch of amazing friends, and was always out on adventures with them. After that I became very lonely at University and started having trouble even getting out of bed.… Continue reading 17 Again
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The New Year Blues
I sat at work all day yesterday totally blah. It didn’t help that it seems like the world is still on holiday. Nothing much seemed to be going on which made the day feel even longer. I wasn’t even excited to go home. I was just blah. I spent New Year’s weekend fighting a cold… Continue reading The New Year Blues
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Nothing Was the Same in June
This past week I've been off. There's no reason for it. I didn't even reallyknow it was happening. I had something important and positive scheduled I wasreally mad at myself for scheduling it because I didn't want to go. I wasgiving the people around me a hard time for no reason. I was restless anduncomfortable… Continue reading Nothing Was the Same in June
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Memories
Healing mental health by enjoying the good things despite the bad things. And never forgetting to see opportunities for adventure 🙂
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I Was Lucky, In A Way
"Being there is terrifying. During the last two pandemic years, I’ve had to go by myself. Usually, someone comes with me. Going by myself is an interesting experience. I’m fully relying on the staff for support, instead of whoever came with me. It’s long, lonely, and hard and I feel crazy for feeling so scared. But they seem to understand. Without even saying anything, they seem to understand."
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This Is Not the Life I Fought so Hard to Live
I’ve said that so many times in my life. So often I have felt completely trapped in this world. I’ve even gone as far as to say that if I had died at thirteen, I would never have experienced how painful life can be. Usually, whoever I’m with gets upset and my response is simply… Continue reading This Is Not the Life I Fought so Hard to Live
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Day 661
It's been a rough few months. I haven't been posting. I feel like people come here for hope and positivity and I haven't been feeling very hopeful or positive. It's gotten worse in the last couple of weeks with what's been going on in the world. What I've come to realize through all of this… Continue reading Day 661
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I was 13 the First Time I Had to Learn to be Alone
I was 13 the First Time I Had to Learn to be Alone. Until then I had lived with my family and been around people always. I was almost never by myself. When I ended up in the hospital, I was suddenly alone a lot. Sure, I had my parents taking shifts to spend time with me, my visitors, and my nurses. But when my parents weren’t there, I was alone. I always wanted them to stay longer. Dad had the evening shift while my mom went home to cook me food to try to help get my weight up. He would stay just after 9 p.m. when visiting hours ended to watch TV with me in the family room. We were quiet and didn’t disrupt anyone, so I got to keep him around a bit longer. At 9:30 he’d head home too, and I would be alone for at least 12 more hours until visiting hours started the next day. --> Keep Reading
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Hey Mom? I can only feel half of my face.
Hey Mom? I can only feel half of my face. “And I can only feel half of my tongue! This is weird.” Soon, I was surrounded by people assessing me. I don’t remember them all, but I had multiple TIAs that summer. If you don’t know what that is, it’s a transient ischemic attack. If you still don’t know what that is, I find that quite reasonable. I prefer to refer to it as a temporary stroke. People like to correct me when I say that, but I think they’re missing the point. The response I get is “A TIA is not a stroke” and I’m like “yeah, cus it’s temporary, a stroke is permanent.” I know there’s more to it than that but not to the average person and not to the person experiencing it. The scary thing about TIAs is that you don’t know they are temporary until they are. So, they may as well be a stroke until they aren’t. Know what I mean? It has to be assumed you are having a stroke in case you are having a stroke. And one day I did. Read On ->
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Talk to The Pillow
Being a kid in a grown-up hospital mattered mostly to the grownups. I didn’t really have anything to compare it to. “It’s too bad you’re the only kid here” they’d say as if I’d be socializing if there were others. And do we really want more kids? I think not. I wouldn’t have wished this upon my worst enemy. Even with a drawer full, and I mean full, of my favourite candy, daily cake delivery, and endless movie watching, I’d choose freedom any day. Keep Reading -->
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I Tried So Hard Not To. But I did.
"not to. I wasn’t staying here. This is temporary! I’ll get better and get out of here is no time. I still didn’t want to think about the whole needing a new heart to do be able to leave thing. My mom would ask me if I wanted my favourite bear or anything from home. I refused. I didn’t want any of my favourite things to be tainted by this place or this room. Or worse, there was a very real risk of getting blood on it. My mom brought me some new pjs so I wouldn’t have to wear the hospital gowns. I could be a bit comfortable at least. Though my doctor would later joke about them being shipped in from Paris, hospital gowns are certainly not built for comfort. So, I started to concede to things like that. “It would be nice to have a blanket”. " Keep Reading -->
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Home
by Emily Bradley There are at least 12 different ways to make a grilled cheese sandwich. The right way involves taking two pieces of white Wonder Bread, slathering them with margarine on one side, slapping a piece of Kraft Singles cheese between them, throwing them into a non-stick frying pan, and flipping until golden brown… Continue reading Home
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Moving On Up! Regrettably
There it was. My new room. This one had windows. Big windows. It had a bathroom. More importantly a bathroom I was now able to use by myself! They had packed me up and moved me out of the ICU. I had been in the basement for almost two weeks. Now I was on the… Continue reading Moving On Up! Regrettably
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Dad’s Journal
Written by Mike Bradley Intro by Laura I remember it wasn’t long before I started missing important dates. My end of year school trip date came and went. I was missing exams too. But the first really important date I missed was Father’s Day. It was the first in a long summer filled with holidays… Continue reading Dad’s Journal
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No Thank You, Sir, I’m Going Home
A few days had passed, I think. I’ve never been very good with time. I was still waiting to find out when I’d get to go home. I was starting to get stronger. I figured that’s all I needed to do. Get better, go home. This is just a serious but minor setback. That wasn’t… Continue reading No Thank You, Sir, I’m Going Home
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“I’m only thirteen!”
I have this memory that I don’t understand. It was like a dream, but it felt so real. I was on a hospital gurney surrounded by faces I didn’t recognize. It was as if I had just woken up and all these people were buzzing around me. They were rushing so fast it felt like… Continue reading “I’m only thirteen!”
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I Remember the Moment My Heart Broke
In the days leading up to my end of the year dance show, I no longer felt like myself. The first thing I noticed was that I couldn’t sleep. I would try to arrange my bed and rearrange my bed. I’d add pillows and then remove them. I was constantly struggling to find a position… Continue reading I Remember the Moment My Heart Broke
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The Climb
It was a dark and stormy night!... lol no it wasn’t. Should it have been? I mean it was a sad hard day, but it was beautiful outside. It was sunny and bright. And sad and hard. It was all of those. There were no storms. In fact, over the 5 months, I can’t remember… Continue reading The Climb
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Year 20: I’m Not Afraid Anymore
This year marks my 20th anniversary of having a heart transplant. When I was a lot younger, probably in my teens, I was at a telethon raising funds for the Heart Institute. I liked doing these telethons and telling my story on TV when I had the chance. Every time I told my story the… Continue reading Year 20: I’m Not Afraid Anymore
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The Coolest Thing About Organ Donation
It took me almost 17 years to believe it was OK for me to be a transplant recipient. I was always fighting it. I was always trying to prove I was other things first; a regular kid, an artist, a dancer, a student, cool (lol), whatever. I would come up with things and then try… Continue reading The Coolest Thing About Organ Donation
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October 16th, 2001
October 15th, 2001 was probably the scariest day of my life. It was the day I found out there was a heart for me. After months of searching, they had found a match. At the beginning of June 2001 this whirlwind showed up in my life. It stole my air. I couldn’t breathe, I couldn’t… Continue reading October 16th, 2001
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“What do You want?”
The other day I accidentally locked myself out of my apartment. I had no idea what to do. I was wearing a robe, a tank top, pj pants, and slippers. I had gone to the garbage chute which is right next to my apartment. I heard an odd click as my door closed behind me… Continue reading “What do You want?”
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June 14th, 2001
Mom and Grandpa (December 14th, 1985) 19 years ago. It was the first time I’d ever lost someone. For a moment my situation had been eclipsed by something far worse. I remember the room. I remember the lighting. I remember the colours. I remember the exact moment my mom was hearing that her father had… Continue reading June 14th, 2001
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Shift Change
“It’s 7 o’clock” I said to my mom nervously. 7 o’clock. I dealt with so many scary things every day. 7 o’clock was another one of those scary things. I inhaled deeply and tried to exhale my fear of who might walk through the door. They never came in right away. Of course, I wasn’t… Continue reading Shift Change
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February 14th, 2020
I’m lying in bed looking up at my funky light fixture with the sun streaming through the crack in my black out curtains and I’m trying to breathe. I can’t seem to expand my torso. I can only inhale for 2 seconds and it gets cut. I have to get up, I’m going to be… Continue reading February 14th, 2020
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Dear Jhon,
As a kid I was incredibly shy. As a baby, my mom would take me out around people and I would cry non-stop. I never spoke in school and dreaded being called upon. Even now my body temperature rises considerably when It’s my turn to talk in a meeting or a group setting. But the… Continue reading Dear Jhon,
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It’s About Being Alive
18 years ago I had a heart transplant and I’ve been completely different and exactly the same ever since. Easter, 8 years pre-transplant Not sure what I mean? It’s the beauty of organ donation. We get to live on and be us. For how long? There is a lot of speculation and statistics around this… Continue reading It’s About Being Alive
Laura Bradley 