I remember when the Tim McGraw song “live like you were dying came out”. I was 16 years old and around three years post transplant. In the song, someone is telling a story of when they were given devastating medical news in their 40s. In this conversation in the song, the friend then asks “what did you do?”. The response; he lived like he was dying. The song then goes on to list all of the incredible things he did when he thought he was going to die. He went sky diving, mountain climbing, and all kinds of things. He then gives his friend some advice. “If you ever get the chance, live like you’re dying”.
Luckily, I never had a timeline in front of me that ended in death. I never had to watch it coming for me. There was no time. My body just quit on me out of nowhere. In a lot of ways this was ideal. I never really had the chance to be afraid and I wasn’t. By the time I knew anything terrible was happening, I had a machine keeping me alive and I was being given the solution: a transplant. I don’t even remember what I thought about that. I was a little scared of the pain and challenges ahead but I was never afraid to die. I was like “oki doki, so I get this transplant thingy and I can get the heck outta here? Deal.” That was my main focus, getting out of that hospital and back to my regular life.
I didn’t have any idea how I would feel after transplant. I also had no idea what life would be like. I often think that the transplant overshadowed a bunch of regular life stuff. It kind of took over. So, when something bad happened, I blamed the transplant. If my life looked different, it was because of the transplant. I can’t actually know that though. I was thirteen, and I think it’s pretty common that life starts to look different at that age. Adults start treating you differently, people grow up, you acquire more responsibilities. These are all very normal things. But for me, these were changes and I hated change. I just wanted everything to be as it was before I went into that hospital. That was impossible.
As more and more changed, I felt more and more trapped. I was trapped in this life of medical testing and pain, I was trapped at school where I was no longer excelling, I was trapped by my physical health that fluctuated a lot as a teenager. I felt like I was losing everything. I no longer knew who I was or what my path was. Everything seemed so clear before transplant. After, I was completely lost. I didn’t know what I wanted and every time I did know what I wanted that seemed impossible or the opportunity was taken away somehow. Because I struggled so much in school, the options narrowed even more.
As a kid science was the most logical path for me. I wanted to learn about rocks, minerals, animals, whales. I didn’t know exactly what that looked like but I felt like I had so many options. Then I got sick and when I returned, I could not keep up. I started failing in math and physics and all the things I dreamed about went away.
Right in the middle of high school, Tim McGraw comes out with this song. Right when I started to feel like everything I ever knew about myself was disappearing he popped on the radio one day and told me to live like I was dying. If you’re wondering how I’m going to positively relate this to my schools struggles, I’m sorry to tell you this but I’m not. This song only made things worse. I was losing everything I cared about and this cowboy comes on the radio to remind me that I’m not even living my life? To me school was my life and it was going terribly.
I hate to say it but I think Mr. McGraw messed me up a little bit. I do love the song but the sentiment is stressful. I think because of what I went through, I do feel like I need to live like I’m dying. I very much feel the need to build a beautiful life for myself, do something important and fulfilling and interesting. I want to create and meet people and see the world. I want to do so many things. I’ve never felt like I had the opportunity to live like I was dying. In fact, I feel more like I’ve been dying to live.
Sometimes I think too much about what I haven’t done and I forget what I have done. I used to look back and see all of this time that has passed without me reaching my goals. Now when I look I see all of the things I accomplished and rather than seeing a big chunk of time that has passed, I’m able to see all of the pockets of time where I was doing all kinds of interesting things. I need to remember that this is just a quieter pocket of time. It may not look like I’m doing much but I am still working towards something. The next pocket of time I enter could look completely different. Hopefully in a good way. I’m looking forward to finding out but I’m trying not to rush to get there.
I hear people talk about their transplant journeys and I’ve always found the use of the word journey interesting. I always thought of a transplant journey just being about the transplant part. Now I’m wondering if it’s about all of it. Maybe that’s exactly what all of this is; my transplant journey. And through that journey I’ve had so many chapters. I’ve had all of my various job chapters. Some could have even been considered career chapters. I’ve had many hobby chapters. I’ve done, banking, yoga, retail, sailing, academics, and all kinds of things. You could say that I’m currently in my book reading, softball playing chapter. Every time one of those things ended, I assumed I had failed. Not for every single one of them but for at least the ones I cared about. I assumed whenever I had to set something I cared about aside indefinitely, it meant that I had failed at it or that it was yet another thing that was taken away.
When I look up the word failure though, that word absolutely does not apply. I did not lack success in all of the things that I have tried. In fact, in some of those things I was very successful. In all of those things I gained something. The things I’ve learned throughout all of my chapters will stay with me and be part of me forever. The neat thing about the word indefinite is that it’s means undefined. Just because I’ve felt I had to put things aside indefinitely doesn’t mean I will never have the chance to do that again. I know that sailing will always be part of my story and that one day I will hoist up that main sail again. Maybe I’ll finally find a name for my boat! (Feel free to comment your sailboat name suggestions!) Just the other day I was trying to find a yoga class that lines up with my schedule. Unfortunately, Sunday morning was just a little too ambitious for me this week but there’s always next week!
That’s just it, there’s always next week. There’s always the next thing. The next adventure or skill or interest is always ahead. Just because one-chapter ends doesn’t mean that chapter wasn’t important to the story. Some authors make entire sequels out of a single thought in a book.
Tim McGraw may have stressed me out when I was 16 but when I look back, I think I may have actually been living like I was dying the whole time. I may not be skydiving but I’ve always jumped into things that interested me and I always will. Rather than being worried there’s not enough time for everything, I think I rather believe that there’s actually plenty of time. It’s hard to not want to do everything at once.
It seems like the present is often the only time we have. The future is a scary unknown place that we may not exist in. Looking back, I can see that I did in fact exist for all of the years that I didn’t trust I would exist for. Historical and medical data suggest that I may in fact continue to exist for awhile yet. The transplant gave me all of the chapters I’ve already written and all of the blank pages ahead. Life isn’t short for me, or at least that’s what I’m choosing to believe. It’s long. It’s long enough for to enjoy what I’m doing without worrying that I’m not doing enough. It’s long enough for me to know that I can dive into something new at any time. It’s long enough for me to believe that I’m not a failure just because it’s time to leave something else behind. Well, leave it behind for now anyway. 😊
Laura Bradley 