A few years ago, I wrote a blog post entitled “It’s About Being Alive”. I think I was probably right about that. It’s just that somewhere along the way I forgot what that actually means. Sure, life is about living, but how do you actually live? I wrote that post back in 2019. Well, a heck of a lot has changed since then and unfortunately, I think I’ve gotten a bit lost in all of it.
In that post, I wrote that I could easily sit around thinking about where I’d be if it didn’t happen. The “it” at that time was the heart failure and transplant. I think now, in 2025, more and more of understand that sentiment. What if the last 5 years didn’t happen the way it did? It’s nearly impossible to actually come up with an answer. Had what happened not happened, maybe something else would have. Even if I had done everything differently, I may still have ended up here, in a dark, quiet apartment, wondering when it is I forgot how to live.
In 2019, I lived with my parents. Ok sure, maybe I was a bit old for that at the time, but if you think about it, once you leave, your entire life changes. Gone are the days when we just hopped in the car all together with ease and grabbed a bite to eat after a shitty day. Now, everything has to be coordinated twenty thousand different ways. Sometimes, you don’t consider the impact of not having people around. Especially when you’re someone like me who likes being alone (I think). The point is, there was always someone doing something and I was always able to tag along. Not anymore.
In my post about being alive, I wrote that I could sit around worrying about what people think but why would I do that? To be honest, sometimes I go back and read my own posts and wonder what paranormal being entered my body to write those words. Do I worry? Absolutely. In fact, that’s how I spend most of my time! Maybe not most of it because I do try to disassociate by scrolling through videos (don’t we all?) but worrying has become a pretty solid baseline in my day-to-day life.
I worry about my future; that’s a big one. I worry about not being who I need to be. I worry about not being happy. I worry about being fit and active. I worry about impending ailments. I worry about never doing anything worthwhile. And in the last few years, I have very much started to worry about what people think.
Now that I live a more isolated lifestyle, all of those worries seem so big. Sometimes they feel consuming. Hence the scrolling to disassociate. It is now entirely up to me to diversify my life. I can’t hop in the car to go to the store with dad. I can’t just put on my sneakers to go for a walk with mom. Emily isn’t spontaneously suggesting we go to a movie. Worst of all, I have no one to yap to. Believe it or not, though I may seem quiet, I can do some serious yapping, when someone is willing to listen.
I have so much freedom in a way, but have not at all figured out how to actually use it. Seriously, who put me in charge? My first misstep. I should have used my authority as CEO of this enterprise to delegate …my authority. All I do is sit around worrying. Then, I feel guilty for sitting around and then I’m so tired from all of the worrying and the guilt that I don’t accomplish anything anyway! My life has been simplified to a point where I only do things I need to do; go to the bathroom, eat, and go to work. Other than that, I’m living from one sweet treat to the next. Turns out I’m not a great CFO either. Even as I write this, I’m feeling mad at myself for how ridiculous all of this sounds. This is what happens when you forget how to live.
Through all of this I’ve been pretty restless. I feel like I have to figure out my life right now. Time is up, I’m old, I can’t keep living like this. Not only is that a lot of pressure but that doesn’t exactly inspire action. It just stresses me out more. I have no idea what to do to improve my life or become successful or to be happy. Then, on a random Friday in May, something shifted in my brain.
I was spending time with my friend Meagan. We often try to have lunch together when we are both working onsite. We have our routine pretty down pat. I walk to meet her on the corner, we go to a coffee shop, we sit down, enjoy our packed lunches and preferred coffee drink and chat about all kinds of things. This has been a longstanding routine. We’ve been doing something similar since college. We would finish class, go to the liquor store, head to our friend’s apartment, crack open our packed lunches and preferred vodka drinks, and chat about all kinds of things. I suppose the routine has a evolved a little bit. Is it the vodka I’m missing? Nah.
Well, this day was a little different. Meagan asked me if I’d be ok walking to a bakery with her. One thing about me is that I’m always up for adventure! I just apparently can’t plan my own. I agreed to her idea and met her on the corner, as usual. We headed straight there.
She told me she had been craving this special bread and that it could only be purchased on Fridays. As we walked down the street filled with all kinds of shops, she pointed out various places letting me know what she liked about them and what they offer. She knew all about this place. I’ve worked in that area for nearly three years. I’ve driven down that road many times. I’ve even walked down it to meet friends at a pub. Never had I noticed any of the things she pointed out to me.
When she announced we had arrived I thought she was mistaken. I figured she’d gotten turned around and mixed up where we were along the road. To me, there was no bakery in sight. There was no sign, nothing. She opened the door to what can best be described as an alleyway with tables lining the walls. That’s when I spotted a small wooden sign in the window; “Bakery”. At the end of the narrow space in front of me was lots of hustle and bustle. As we approached, I started to see how this could be a bakery. I started to see a counter lined with all kinds of amazing fresh pizzas behind a glass window. My packed lunch was suddenly dead to me.
We waited our turn and Meagan put in her request; challah bread. Along the way she had told me all about this bread. It’s a Jewish bread traditionally made on Fridays, and it super delicious. So much so, that even though she hasn’t had it for years, it was worth making the journey to go get some on this random Friday. Well, it turns out they no longer make it.
Even though we had not accomplished our mission, I was happy to be there. I was happy to be out and about. I was happy to be with my friend. I was happy because I felt like even though our journey hadn’t been fruitful in the way we had hoped, I still felt like I had gone on an adventure.
Just as we turned to head back down the tunnel to the sunny exit, I heard yelling. Once I realized that it was in fact deliberate and not just part of the crowd noise in the bakery, I heard the words “CHALLAH BREAD! CHALLAH BREAD!”. Oh, that’s for us! We both turned at almost the same time to see a man, the owner, trying to wave us back over. He had a loaf of challah bread and wanted to see if we were interested and if we’d be willing to wait 2-3 minutes. So, we did!
Once it was warmed, the owner handed the bread to Meagan in a brown paper bag. Not only did he make sure we got the thing we wanted that day, but he gave it to us for free! After finding a place to sit, Meagan opened the brown paper bag, placed the steaming loaf of bread on top of it, and tore me off a piece. I’m not sure if it was when I bit into it, tasting the amazing buttery softness of this unbuttered bread, or even before that, but at some point, I realized, that this is what it’s all about. It’s about the simple things.
One of my favourite movie quotes of all time is “It’s the simple things in life you treasure”. In the film Galaxy Quest, Tony Shalhoub delivers the line as Fred Kwan while watching a rock monster destroy a bunch of alien bad guys. He had effortlessly teleported the rock monster to the spaceship which helps shift the battle in the good guys’ favour. (Oops, spoiler alert!) I’ve never participated in an alien war, but I personally feel that the phrase can be used outside of this context. And though they hadn’t come to mind in quite a long time, the words “It’s the simple things in life you treasure” scrolled through my head while I was trying to understand how this bread could be so buttery without adding any butter. Thank you, Meagan.
“It’s the simple things in life you treasure” -Fred Kwan
I think it’s ok to forget what it’s all about and I think it’s ok to get thrown off course. I think the most important thing is to find your way back, realize it doesn’t have to be that complicated, and remember how to enjoy life. I really hate to say this but it’s probably also important to put the phone down every once in awhile. Especially if it’s to pick up the remote and turn on Galaxy Quest 😉
Laura Bradley 