My life doesn’t look anything like I thought it would when I was 8. It doesn’t look anything like I thought it would when I was 18 or 28 either. Heck it doesn’t look anything like I thought it would a year ago. I’m now 38, and though my life has never really followed the plans I had for it, I still choose to make plans, have hopes, and to get excited about all of the possibilities. If the last 38 years of my life has taught me anything, it has certainly taught me that life is full of possibilities. Recently I have come to realize that it’s full of chapters too.
Here’s what I mean.
It may not seem like it on the outside, and sometimes my unreliable body prevents me from fulfilling this side of me, but I am an adventurer at heart. I’m a risk taker. I’m someone seeking excitement and experiences. I’m no daredevil though! I’m not taking about jumping out of planes! I’m talking about living my life the best possible way I can. What better way to do that than to have new experiences and see what’s out there? At the same time, I’m someone who loves tradition and comfort. I love doing things the same way they have always been done while also wanting to completely shake up my life. Sometimes it can be a bit of a challenge to balance the two.
Life, to me is a series of pockets of time. Chapters. These chapters for you might be your childhood, being a teen, young adulthood, etc. Your life may also be divided by major events. Some of the nice ones, like going to college, moving out, getting married, or some of the not so nice once like receiving a scary diagnosis, experiencing loss, and getting hurt. For me, lately, I’ve come to divide my life as the chapters when I had my life together versus the ones when I didn’t. Maybe some day I will see it differently but for now I believe to be coming out of a chapter where I most certainly did not have my life together.
I’m not saying it all my fault that my life was a chaotic mess. I don’t think it was. There are some obviously possible world ending factors that definitely had an impact. Things are different now. It’s time for me to emerge like a beautiful 38-year-old butterfly.
So, I just looked it up and it turns out butterflies live like a few weeks on average… that’s crazy! I guess I’ll be a miraculous 38-year-old butterfly. Put me in a museum – I’m amazing. Except that I’m really not amazing. The last few years of being a chaotic mess have taken their toll. Exhaustion, sickness, lack of sleep, and an incredible amount of stress have made me into a moth. No hate to moths but I’m sure you get the metaphor.
Ok so it turns out moths live up to 6 months. Which is very interesting. Be beautiful and live like two weeks, or be hairy and live like six months?
Ok, let’s forget about the flying insects. The point is, I’m in a place now where I can invest more into myself instead of all of my energy being sucked up by external forces that were out of my control. I’m ready to make this next chapter incredible. But how on earth do I do that?
That’s where the chapters come in. Remember the ones where I had my life together? What was I doing that was so different? Well lots of things actually. Luckily, I remember some of them. A big one is that I was way less bogged down by stress. My family used to kind of tease me for how relaxed I was. What happened to that version of me? Well, being an adult is hard. It’s really easy to get run down by the day to day grind and responsibilities. It doesn’t matter what you’ve got going on, you can still get overwhelmed and getting overwhelmed, especially for me, usually means getting sick. Getting sick means recovery, and getting further behind and the devolution continues.
Suddenly I’m living from one coffee to the next looking like a centenarian, every part of my body cracking, popping, aching, and worse, growing! We love curves, right? Well mine are the kind of a gremlin permanently folded over her keyboard. In case you’re bad at picturing things in your mind, it’s not a good look. I look like I’m about to offer snow white a poisonous apple.
For those of you who think I’m exaggerating, I probably am. I’m only semi-gremlinesque. There is still hope! But sometimes you have to beat yourself up a little in order to get moving and improve things. Chapter 38 is all about the glow up. It’s never too late for that!
On the outside it may seem like I have the ideal life. Solid job, good people, and overall pretty healthy. I only really have me and my cat to take care of and though he can be quite a menace, I never have to try to wrestle him into a car seat. Setting aside the fact that I’m immunocompromised which has its own challenges, I pretty much do have the ideal life. If I was watching myself on tv I’d be rolling my eyes thinking “what is this chick complaining about!?”. That may be a bit mean but it’s completely true. What am I doing with myself? I’m letting life happen to me.
It would be so easy to just sit back, go do my day job, go home, wait 30 years, retire, and eventually become dust. I’ve kind of let that happen and I kind of had to for awhile. The circumstances of my life were too much and I didn’t have anything left for me. Luckily, I had just enough left to make a change. I’m no longer in a place where the life is being sucked out of me. Sure, I still have the option of sitting around and letting life happen to me, but is that really acceptable? Is that enough for my adventurer spirit? No way!
So, no more coffee for me! Just kidding. I’m not a miracle worker! I have successfully reduced my caffeine intake though. Why? Well because I didn’t even drink coffee during the chapters I had my life together. Can you believe that? I did drink green tea, though. I also did yoga regularly. So, guess what? I’ve started doing that again and I love it! Less crack, pops, and aches. Who would have guessed that? Not Laura from last year, that’s for sure.
I’m also getting more sleep. Did you know that one extra hour can change your life? I’m not kidding. I wasn’t just looking like a gremlin, I was acting like one too! I was only getting about 5, maybe 6 hours of sleep on a good night. Some nights were worse. Last night I slept almost 7 full hours. It’s unbelievable! I no longer want to fight the crossing guard who blocks traffic, with not a child in sight, on my drive to work. Today, that crossing guard was just doing her job. Yesterday, on only 5 hours of sleep, that crossing guard was single-handedly causing the destruction of my entire life.
These changes don’t just help me feel physically better. They make me feel more fulfilled. Every time I choose decaf, I feel like I’ve accomplished something. Every time I go to a yoga class, I’ve done something great! Every little accomplishment is worth celebrating.
Speaking of celebrating, this year marks my 25th transplant anniversary. Twenty-five years post transplant is certainly no time to let my life simply happen to me. Twenty-five years is worth celebrating from start to finish. Celebrating with adventure, excitement, trying new things, and maybe a super awesome party? Clear your calendar’s folks! There will be cheese and crackers! Is there anything better than cheese and crackers? I don’t think so.
Laura Bradley 